Friday, Jun. 03, 2005@1:50 am

I went to wal-mart to get some no-ad glitter gel. I love it because it smells like creamsicles and it's soooooo spakley. anyway, wal-mart totally didn't have it. that store just keeps getting shittier and shittier.

There is a cute boy who works at the pool this summer. But he is young, like, 19. Weslie and I are gonna flirt a lot with him, because there is pretty much nothing better to do.

I keep thinking about how happy I am now, leading a cigarette free life, and it's true! But I keep wanting cigarettes sooo bad and it's been like weeks now. And the only reason I really even stopped was because I lost my ID. So, I'm getting more and more close everyday to going into the store with the annoying dude.

I'm hoping I come out of this funk soon. I've been doing fun things, namely getting baked.

I don't know if I should spend five or ten dollars to buy a new license before my birthday. But I do so want to buy blunt wraps and cigarettes. I know someone from Freakys I could get the stuff from without the necessary identification, but he's sooooooo annoying I'm not sure it's worth it. I also want some more peaches and cream papers, I really liked them! I should get more for my birthday! That would make my bday rock even more!

The weather has been shitty and I'm losing hours. That's the bad thing about working outside. But the nice thing is being tan and being in the sun. So I totally just stick it out.

looking at me now/ you would never know
Thursday, May. 26, 2005@3:29 pm

and a hit. damn, I feel like whitetrash or something. I have peircings and I smoke cigarettes and drink and smoke pot at the same time.

and I'm turning 21 in less than a month. it's so strange. I'm looking back at all these events in my life that make me who I am. then I'm looking at who I want to be, and who I'm just going to end up being in a few months. are some things inevitable?

and just to think that I can get into cowboys on any day of the week, not just underage sunday or wednesday, so strange. and I can just do whatever I want now, pretty much. and I've NEVER been able to do everything, but now it's going to be the norm. I will spend the rest of my life doing whatever I want, but I can't possibly comprehend that with my two decade old brain that's NEVER had the luxury of driving AND smoking AND drinking. fuck man.

Can I confess something? I don't want to grow up. Never, for real. I should probably not say shit like that since I WILL indefinitely grow up, making me very stupid looking. Anyway, I really don't want to grow up. This culture made me obsessed with appearance and youth, and I can't stand thinking I have it all now, but in the future . . .

I don't think I'm a simple person. I mean, I try to live my life simply at times because it's comfortable and people-friendly, but I think I'm complex just like everyone else, you know? I don't think I'm just shallow and ego-centric, is what I'm getting at. But I still can't fathom not being youthful and young and non-wrinkly skinned. I want so bad to retain my youthfulness, and I hope I will. Don't we all?

every night, we went to the boardwalk. there were always so many young people, like us, eating fries and getting drunk with secret beer in pepsi cups. one time I had a cigarillo and some dude thought it was a joint and asked me for some. but I sadly had to inform him it was no joint.

I don't have many regrets. I think regretting shit is totally useless. Tommy Lee, after having gone to prison, once said something to the effect of I could have gone in there and come out and been really angry about the whole thing, or I could make it a learning experience. I figure if I'm destined to make mistakes, I might as well make something of them. So I try not to regret or worry, because most anything can be turned into an O.K. situation if not better. It's easy to let go of the negative feelings this way, and eventually the negative feelings don't even spawn because you learn to adapt quickly; a loaded gun of regret can suddenly turn into just another random outcome in which you respond.

I think a hidden danger of adapting alot is numbness. You have to be careful to go with the flow WHILE preserving yourself (there is a danger to this too--don't get caught up in "preserving" yourself. the word "preserving" is, like, another word for excuseforstagnation. people are ever-changing. over a five year span, the consistency of personality for any one person is the flip of a coin. that means, in five years you are fifty percent likely to be different in regards to personality. and that's kind of a lot of times to be changing your "personality," a big item in self-identification.).

it's hard to be patient sometimes. it's hard not to get caught up in your goals, predictions, and desires for the future. I sometimes can't let myself relax and just live when I know there is somewhere I want to be.

one of the hardest things about "growing up" and becoming an adult is learning to let go. if you never let go of anything, can you imagine how horrible it would be? I mean, cause how many times have you gotten exactly what you wanted? not every time, that's for sure, and if you let all those times build up, fuck . . .

the harder thing about becoming an adult is after you learn to let go, you have to learn when to let go. you end up always having to make this deadly choice: hold on or let go. and it's easy sometimes, don't get me wrong. easy to let go of your favorite red candy when a friend wants it. easy to let go of not getting a trip to six flags (or anywhere) this summer. even easy to let go of that last fling you had. but sometimes it's not as easy, and you have to decide if letting go--usually of someone--is really the best choice. sure, you could let an abandoned friendship fall by the wayside and never look back, but what if that was a HUGE mistake? what if you and that person were destined to make wonderful things together (or at least laugh a lot)? and there it is, the hardest part of letting go. knowing if you should or not.

I hate even regular standable pop most of the time, which includes now, but the dial on the radio is soo far away. I'm so sick of having to change the station all the time. And I don't get that many stations in clearly anyway . . .

I'm so restless.

today is one month from my most wonderful 21st birthday, and for some reason it just hit me today. i was sitting in class when--BAM--I was sooooo excited I could just run around and scream. I don't really even care that much about birthdays. or the 21st, for that matter. I'll be excited to get in all the shows now (well, the ones that aren't 25 and up, fogies). and meet cute boys at the bars. and not cute boys, but I'm not excited about that. oh yeah, that reminds me, some, like, 42 year old guy asked me how many boyfriends I had. it was kinda weird.

he brought in postcards that he had made to show the art guy on staff, but I somehow got involved unknowingly by the art guy (who doesn't even know me, lol). Anyway, I was looking at this guy's postcards and saw this cool ass dog, like, smiling. and when he was leaving, I told him how cool the smiling dog pic was. and he was all, "oh, you can have it, here you go," and he tossed it flatly in my direction. then we started kinda jawing about dogs or the other postcards when he says, "so, do you have a boyfriend?" I was frozen. then laughed, right, because what else do you do? you play along, so I laughed like we were kidding around and said, "I dunno," which was stupid to say. he keeps on, "I bet you have all the boyfriends," I smiled and laughed. then he was like, "no, reaaaaly . . . " and he was all staring at me and it was so weird, then--stage left!! Betsy my boss and other desk person for the night, walks into the doors five feet or so away.

we both look over at her. and luckily he quickly disperses into the locker room.

it was pretty hot. I guess in the 90s. anyway, gotta jet. I'm biking a few miles down to some woman's house to guard some private party. the coolest part? I get to bike with the rescue tube on my back.

i had a test today and i hated it
Friday, May. 20, 2005@3:30 pm

when I was moving here, I had to find the place I was moving to, but I didn't have a way to mapquest it since I didn't live here yet. so I just pulled over and tried to view a cached picture of the map, but I actually got online instead. it was crazy funky cool.

we were on the west side, and we were out to go eat pizza. it was actually pretty fun, except my friend got a speeding ticket in a school zone.

I almost went to see the star wars movie just because it was the first day it was playing, but then too many people were out trying to do the same thing, so I just stayed home and watched the tiny tv in the big tv hole spot.

Cameron came two nights ago to take it and accompanying remote. He also took the DVD player, which I guess I didn't really care about that much. Terri was pretty much uncomfortable, as was Cameron. I was trying to make jokes about Cameron stealing our lifeblood, and he said something about, "yeah, I was hoping you weren't here when I had to come take it," to which Terri replied, "but he doesn't give a shit about me." it was nice . . .

but it's not just the boys who suffer when girls fake like them! sometimes, just to be cordial, I'm super nice to boys I don't like. I end up just feeling kind of sorry for them and can't help it. and what happens? of course, the boy (usually attention starved) thinks I dig him. I know I'm not the only one this happens to. if boys could just understand we were trying to be nice! then it's kinda weird for everyone.